Green

Reflecting about the good ol' days of yore, I remember many adventures. One such adventure went as follows...

Since I was always a hungry child, I paid extra attention to what was going on in the kitchen. We used to have an old creaky electric can-opener and I would get excited whenever I heard that salubrious sound. However, it didn't take long to learn that the sound didn't always turn out to be as glorious as I had thought. That's when I learned about labels on cans. At three years old, I could not read, but I could definitely recognize the pictures on the side.

Over the next week or two, I carefully watched each time a can was opened. I learned what the labels looked like for peaches and pears, applesauce and tuna, and oh so many more. Then I noticed something different; there was a can with this guy on the front:



I had no idea what was going to come out of that can. I watched with utmost concentration in order to find out what pieces of big green men looked like. It was pretty much what I imagined -- little cylinders of green man. I was shocked, confused, and a bit afraid. If I turned green, would my parents eat me? Would I have to wear a dress made out of leaves? Would I have to stand up forever?

These questions bothered me to the extent that I never wanted to eat green men. If forced to eat them, I would promptly throw them up. I vowed to never eat green people, no matter what society wanted from me.

Even with many other labels that don't show the picture of a giant leaf-dress wearing man, I still know the true origin of those green pieces of cylindrified flesh.

They do kind of grow on you though...

Red Spoon

Recently, I was asked if my previous words came from the Book of Joseph, Chapter 5. I must declare with resounding boldness that, yes, they did. I now will share the words from my youth:

Book of Joseph -- Chapter 1

And about the time that He-Man and moonwalking were increasingly frequent across the land, (I being about three years of age, I began to be learned somewhat after the manner of the learning of my people) and my mother said unto me: I perceive that thou art an hungry child, and art quick to eat.
2. Therefore, I was hungry and she did feed me, yea, she did feed me with a spoon of exceedingly peculiar workmanship.
3. Behold, it was formed after the manner of an airplane, yea, and it was red.
4. And I did love my red spoon with love unfeigned and without guile.
5. Wherefore, mine elder brethren did speak unto me saying, then why do ye not leave thy father and thy mother, and cleave unto thy spoon: and become one flesh?
6. And it came to pass that I did give no heed unto the words of my brethren, and I spake unto my mother, saying, I am small and despised: yet I do not forget thy precepts.
7. Nevertheless, after the space of one year, the spoon did pass away.
8. And it came to pass that after I came to the knowledge of the death of my spoon, I was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for I had great hunger.
9. Behold, my stomach hungered, and I kneeled down before my mother, and I cried unto her in mighty grief for mine old spoon; and all the day long did I cry unto her; yea, and when the night came I did still raise my cries high that they reached the heavens.
10. And she spake unto me, saying: But if ye will nourish the stomach, yea, nourish the stomach as it beginneth to grow, by a regular spoon with great diligence, and with patience, looking forward to the food thereof, it shall make you full; and behold it shall be a nourishment that springs you up unto adult life.
11. And it came to pass that I did heed the words of my mother and when she had returned to my chair of high stature, behold my stomach was full, and my mother was comforted.
12. Therefore, what manner of spoon ought ye to use? Verily I say unto you, any spoon.

Red Sneaker

And it came to pass that I departed into the wilderness. And I did bring nothing with me save my Liahona, the mytouch 3g. Yea, I did leave my apartment, my backpack, and all my precious things.
2. And I came down by the borders near the chevron on University Avenue.
3. And behold, a certain sneaker had gone down from Provo to Orem, and fell among cars, which stripped him of his owner, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him without his other half.
4. And it came to pass that as I went forth unto the place of my labor, I did by chance come down that way: and when I saw him, I said hi as I passed by on the other side.
5. And behold, when it was night, I lay musing on the singularity of the scene, and marvelled greatly at the happenings on the borders of the land of Provo.
6. I shortly after arose from my bed, and, as usual, went to the necessary labors of the day.
7. Verily I did come upon the wounded sneaker once again, and once again I did say hi as I passed by on the other side.
8. But a certain hobo, as he journeyed, came where he was: and when he saw him, he had compassion on him,
9. And went to him, and bound up his laces, and set him on his shopping cart, and brought him to a loving place, and took care of him.
10. And on the morrow, when I again came down that way, saw that the sneaker was gone, and great sadness filled my bosom, for it seemed the sneaker was lost but unbeknownst to me, it had been found.

A few questions for Mother Nature

Me: What was your most awkward experience?
Tree: Being a tree makes you a bit…immobile. It takes several years to move a limb. This has caused some awkward moments. A rather tall fellow was coming up the trail with a young lady. When I noticed he wasn’t paying too much attention to anything but his companion, it was about 3 years too late. He walked right into my lowest branch. I never know what to say after something like that.

Me: Do you ever tire of being green?
Frog: I hope you know, it's not easy being green. Sometimes I wonder why I am the same color as many types of manure, but you gotta realize--it's what I want to be.

Me: How do you persevere with uncommon valor in the face of incessant misconceptions?
Whistle Pig: It's really not as hard as you might think. We don't live all that long and we spend a lot of time in hibernation. It's also nice to be noticed when you wake up. Not many animals get the recognition we do. We have our own holiday, you know.

Me: In some countries, people call you a tree. In others, they call you a banana plant. Do you consider yourself a tree?
Banana Tree: I have spent many generations thinking about this, but every time I remember, I just call myself me.

Me: So how much wood can a woodchuck really chuck?
Whistle Pig: We don't chuck wood. I have never known any woodchuck who eats wood. You can't chuck it up if you never chucked it down.

Me: What do you think when you see a butterfly?
Moth: It's rough when you're cousin grows a nice set of flappers and forgets you ever existed. You've never heard anyone scream because a butterfly came close. Am I bitter? YES. Anyway, when I see a butterfly I wonder at how humans could confuse them with fire. They just stick their finger out to see what happens.

Me: Does photosynthesis tickle?
Flower: It actually is kind of like working out. I don't know what they've told you about photosynthesis, but combining chemicals to make little photos is tough work. Most flowers I know make photos of plants stepping on people to motivate themselves more.

Me: What is the best part about being you?
Sheep: Free nightly censuses.

A day in the life of Joe Gridley

This post is brought to you by the letter H.

As the earth rotated just far enough for some sunlight to enter my abode, a synapse fired and I was awakened. I have always said I wished it didn't take a small explosion to wake me up in the morning.

Now awakened, I made haste to prepare myself for the day's happenings--the first of which was a nice long shower.

In my hasty preparations, I calmly drank one of man's greatest findings--orange juice. Even if it's made from concentrate, I don't think much of it.
On my way to class, I picked up the trusty "Daily Universe". You never know if you're going to find something that you might want to read. Who knew that today there would be a story about the extinction of add/drop cards? I for one recognize the service that document has rendered to many students seeking a second chance.

In class, I learned about PharmaSim, which is now my favorite game. I couldn't believe we would get to pretend to sell cough syrup to old men for a grade. I have never purchased cold medicine before, but apparently i am pretty good at marketing it.

After class, i met with my group to go over some of the work we need to get done. It was an exciting time where I learned a great analogy that applied to our brainstorming. Brainstorming is like throwing up and picking out the corn. I feel we did pretty good today.

On my way to work, i imagined what it might be like to be a whistle pig like this one:



It would be quite frustrating when you can't whistle and aren't a pig to be called a whistle pig. That is why I admire these fine animals. They go through life making sure to ignore the common misconceptions that they can whistle and are pigs. Sometimes they are called groundhogs. Again, they deal with this name-calling throughout their entire lives. They aren't pigs or hogs and yet they persevere with uncommon valor. Another name they get called is woodchuck. They don't like to throw logs around but don't mind this name because it makes them sound strong.

If I were a woodchuck, everyone would call me a woodchuck for sure.

At work, I used my woodchuck strength to powerbrain my way through the quandaries of the day. I learned that woodchucks are quite efficient.

After work, I went back to class. In class we discussed a heap of cool topics. All kinds of synaptic explosions were firing in constant succession. I wondered if i could get a microscopic camera in my brain so i could make an action film. I imagined a t-cell in my head defending my brain from Naegleria fowleri, the brain eating amoeba. While defending my brain, he skillfully evades all explosions while single-handedly protecting 'head'quarters. After the filming is done, I would hire people to do the dialogue for the film because microscopic cells in my brain don't speak English. I would do my best to get Elmer Fudd to do the voice of the t-cell. The voice of the brain-eating amoebas would probably be done by a goat. The name of the movie was going to be 't-cell, the natural killer', but then i realized that it wasn't going to happen. Besides, class was over anyway.

Just a taste of a day in the life of Joe Gridley

Post number 21

The number 21 is very special. The number shows how people from different backgrounds can work together to accomplish great tasks. Let's break it down:

The number 2:
- Even number
- Prime number
- The only even prime number

Background:
The number 2 was never first, until the 2 and 1 worked together to make 21. At some points in 2's life, this has been a cause of great grief and frustration. No matter how hard 2 tried, he was always second. For several years, the 2 dreamed that people would start using binary because binary has no 2's. These suicidal wishes were overcome when 2 realized that love cannot exist without him. From then on out, he was cheerful in the face of ridicule from the even numbers for being prime. He was glad to be himself even when the odd numbers didn't eat lunch with him because he was even.

The number 1:
- Odd number
- The only number prime numbers are divisible by other than themselves.
- Smallest positive integer

Background:
The number one was a first child, however, he is also the smallest of his family of positive integers. He struggles with the Napoleon Complex. His outright rage of being so small is only matched by his overcoming loneliness. 1 is the loneliest number. This is the only reason 1 ever agreed to come together with other numbers in order for men to count higher than 9.

Interaction of 1 and 2:
When 1 first decided to work with other numbers, 2 was excited to have the chance to work with 1. The first time they worked together, 1 was adamant about being first and they made the number 12. This was all 1 planned on doing with 2, but returned in order to make the so very special number 21.

I now salute 1 and 2, who put differences aside to make good things happen together.

Third Grade Escapade

A long time ago in a place far far away, the time had come for the conservation play. The conservation of water and energy depended solely on our performance that afternoon. We had practiced long and hard for this spectacle. I played two roles: one of the three Elvises and a chef.
My part as Elvis was easy enough—I just had to mousse up my hair, woo the ladies, and sing about leather shoes. My hair had never been so big as it was that day. Big waves of smooth blonde hair.
Although my part as Elvis sounds exciting enough, the more memorable part was that of the chef. It was almost like a cooking show; I had to bake something right there on the stage. Part of the recipe was a slice of bread. As I got to that part, I realized that I had used all the bread during rehearsals. With my beautiful locks of blonde hair stemming from an immense skull, I quickly ad-libbed the line—‘three cups of water and…leftover bread crumbs from an old bread bag’.
Leaving the stage, I was supposed to bump into Logan, who was playing the dumb kid who doesn’t ever conserve anything. Well, we bumped so close that our feet caught each other’s and we both fell down. I never thought I would have done such a grand performance.
As I sat down, I looked over the transcript and realized that in my feeling of triumph over the empty bread-bag, I had completely skipped a line. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that since I was confident in what I was doing and had nice hair, I could be president of the United States. It really didn’t matter if my recipe didn’t make anything that tastes good.
Then I realized that Elvis wasn’t blonde.

Philosophical thoughts of Joe Gridley

Its strange how things change over the years, especially with new technology. Since I work with cell phones at work, I have thought of some of the changes that cell phones have brought to our civilization.
50 years ago people would think you are 'off your rocker' if:

you talk on the phone while in the bathroom.

you shamelessly talk to a small object in your hand several times a day.

you are happy to hear a buzzing sound coming from your pocket.

you continuously put something on your face that you never wash.

you aren't sure whether you've received a message or your leg is twitching.


I imagine someday in the future when I am as old as a Jitterbug customer, there will be a technology that I don't understand. But I think I won't have a problem understanding the technology in and of itself, I will have a hard time with the new social paradigms.

Tips

Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer efficiently with the Internet.

Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form of electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can be used to your advantage.

For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the internet, the process can be made faster by having your computer and hard disk below the ethernet jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other hand, when you upload a file to the internet, hold your computer and hard drive ABOVE your ethernet jack, thus combining uploading with a brisk cardiovascular workout. If the ethernet jack is at floor level, have it raised or your downloading will always be slow.

You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes a real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways. First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage device. Secondly, change the font size of all retained files to 3 point. Considerably less space will be used and hence, fewer electrons and less weight will be on your hard drive.

The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance. Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and uploads so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you should immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do this is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which you can transmit to a friend or news group chosen at random. (For all you gmailers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make sure that it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally take up about 8 MB as well.)

Hopefully this will help some of you who are inexperienced with computers and the internet.

Life is funny

The other night my roommate came home and I was half asleep. He started talking to me and I remember that we had a conversation. But the only thing I remember him saying is, "we could talk about anything right now and tomorrow you wouldn't remember."