Third Grade Escapade

A long time ago in a place far far away, the time had come for the conservation play. The conservation of water and energy depended solely on our performance that afternoon. We had practiced long and hard for this spectacle. I played two roles: one of the three Elvises and a chef.
My part as Elvis was easy enough—I just had to mousse up my hair, woo the ladies, and sing about leather shoes. My hair had never been so big as it was that day. Big waves of smooth blonde hair.
Although my part as Elvis sounds exciting enough, the more memorable part was that of the chef. It was almost like a cooking show; I had to bake something right there on the stage. Part of the recipe was a slice of bread. As I got to that part, I realized that I had used all the bread during rehearsals. With my beautiful locks of blonde hair stemming from an immense skull, I quickly ad-libbed the line—‘three cups of water and…leftover bread crumbs from an old bread bag’.
Leaving the stage, I was supposed to bump into Logan, who was playing the dumb kid who doesn’t ever conserve anything. Well, we bumped so close that our feet caught each other’s and we both fell down. I never thought I would have done such a grand performance.
As I sat down, I looked over the transcript and realized that in my feeling of triumph over the empty bread-bag, I had completely skipped a line. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that since I was confident in what I was doing and had nice hair, I could be president of the United States. It really didn’t matter if my recipe didn’t make anything that tastes good.
Then I realized that Elvis wasn’t blonde.

Philosophical thoughts of Joe Gridley

Its strange how things change over the years, especially with new technology. Since I work with cell phones at work, I have thought of some of the changes that cell phones have brought to our civilization.
50 years ago people would think you are 'off your rocker' if:

you talk on the phone while in the bathroom.

you shamelessly talk to a small object in your hand several times a day.

you are happy to hear a buzzing sound coming from your pocket.

you continuously put something on your face that you never wash.

you aren't sure whether you've received a message or your leg is twitching.


I imagine someday in the future when I am as old as a Jitterbug customer, there will be a technology that I don't understand. But I think I won't have a problem understanding the technology in and of itself, I will have a hard time with the new social paradigms.

Tips

Some of you are not particularly adept in the use of the computer, so I thought it well to pass along some hints on how to use your computer efficiently with the Internet.

Remember that the information with which you are dealing is in the form of electrons. Electrons are very small (so small that it takes two full professors of physics and a graduate student just to see one), but they are real entities with mass and weight and which occupy space. This can be used to your advantage.

For example, electrons have mass and weight and therefore are subject to the laws of gravity. So if you are downloading a file from the internet, the process can be made faster by having your computer and hard disk below the ethernet jack so gravity can speed the process. On the other hand, when you upload a file to the internet, hold your computer and hard drive ABOVE your ethernet jack, thus combining uploading with a brisk cardiovascular workout. If the ethernet jack is at floor level, have it raised or your downloading will always be slow.

You will note that when uploading, the weight of your hard disk becomes a real factor. You can reduce the weight of your hard disk in two ways. First, remove all unnecessary files and store them on a separate storage device. Secondly, change the font size of all retained files to 3 point. Considerably less space will be used and hence, fewer electrons and less weight will be on your hard drive.

The Internet is complex and delicate and easily thrown out of balance. Therefore, it is important to balance carefully your downloads and uploads so that they are roughly equal. (The Internet can compensate for small imbalances.) If you have just downloaded an 8 megabyte program you should immediately upload an 8 megabyte transmittal. The easiest way to do this is to create (by cut and paste) an 8 megabyte file of gibberish which you can transmit to a friend or news group chosen at random. (For all you gmailers, just click the FORWARD button when you receive a FWD: and make sure that it goes out to your entire recipient list, those generally take up about 8 MB as well.)

Hopefully this will help some of you who are inexperienced with computers and the internet.

Life is funny

The other night my roommate came home and I was half asleep. He started talking to me and I remember that we had a conversation. But the only thing I remember him saying is, "we could talk about anything right now and tomorrow you wouldn't remember."

Hair Menu

What happened:
The other day I decided to get my hair cut. It was a spur of the moment decision. I noticed that the BYU barbershop had a new sign and it looked pretty good. When I went in and took a number, they called me to sit down right away. No wait time; it was great. I sat down and the lady asked me what I wanted her to do with my hair. I never know the answer to this question. When you grow up with flowbee haircuts, you don't realize all the options you have when you get your haircut. I didn't want to waste her time as I sat thinking about the flowbee, so quickly I told her to use a 2 on the sides and then to just trim the top. She cut my hair, I paid, and left.

What should have happened:
The other day I decided to get my hair cut. It was a spur of the moment decistion. I noticed that the BYU barbershop had a new sign and it looked pretty good. When I went in and took a number, they called me to sit down right away. No wait time; it was great. I sat down and the lady gave me the hair menu. I looked at my options and asked, "Does anyone really ever ask for the Donald Trump Deluxe?"
The lady replied, "Only Donald Trump, he got his haircut here when he ran away from the New York Military Academy for a couple of weeks."
"I guess that's one monopoly that nobody will file a lawsuit over." I said, "Anyway, I want a number 3."
She asked if I wanted to upgrade my order with a hair wash and gel. I didn't want that. She gave me the number 3, I paid, and left.

Buffalo Jerky

Today I was offered some buffalo jerky. It looked a lot like something that I like to call hair meat. When I was in Taiwan, I was introduced to hair meat. It was all over the place. Stores sold hair meat on every corner and it was even hiding out in sandwiches waiting to catch people unawares (that’s how I found out how it tasted). I must say that hair meat is one of mankind’s blunders. It defies everything that is holy on this earth. Not only does the taste offend, the texture resembles the small slivers of wood you get from chewing on a toothpick for too long. I imagine that during the millennium, hair meat will be eradicated from this planet.
Buffalo jerky is pretty good.

Here goes...

Once in a great while we find ourselves looking towards the future with wonder. Will the day come that ice cream won't cause great pain? Or a day when dogs don't bark? Will there be a day when roommate doesn't sleep in his Halloween costume?
I don't know if I am the only one who has pondered these questions. They say our trials are good for us~~~whoa, what's happening...?

[time warp to sometime in the future]

When the news showed the announcement that Google had purchased the dairy industry--that's right, the entire industry--it made no sense. I knew their goal had been to control all of the data in the world, but I didn't know how this fit into their business plan. Over the next few months, I saw the birth of G-desserts and G-milk made from their very own upgraded versions of G-cows.

I refrained from trying these new(?) products because I learned several years previously that I had better health when I stayed away from these things. However, the world quickly became engrossed in the G-lact line--especially among Chinese mothers because G-milk didn't give babies kidney stones.

G-milk became much more popular than milk ever was. Nobody even asked 'got milk?' anymore. Everyone already knew the answer. It was soon discovered by a lactose-intolerant scientist that G-milk did not do a body good after trying to give some to his dogs. His dogs never drank G-milk, they just barked at it. People began asking what was in G-lact products that made them taste so awesome. These ingredients were discovered and found to cause addiction in 75% of users.

This was the beginning of the end of Google. After the company failed, it was finally admitted that Google not only wanted to control what went into our heads, they also wanted to control what went into our stomachs. G-milk was only the beginning of their plans.

The next night I saw roommate and found out that he got rid of his Halloween costume after spilling G-milk all over it. I guess that ~~~whoa, this again...?

[time warp back to the present]

Wow, that was weird. I suppose we never know when our trials are blessings. I don't really need to worry about getting addicted to dairy products designed to control my actions. But possibly some things will never be understood--I guess its possible that roommate had different dreams when he slept dressed up as Zorro.